


Sick of Losing Soulmates

by sadrifice



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan and phil
Genre: AU, Amazingphil - Freeform, Angst, BoyxBoy, Complete, Completed, F/F, Fluff, KickThePj - Freeform, KickTheStickz - Freeform, LGBT, M/M, Oneshot, Phan - Freeform, Zoella, alternative universe, crabstickz - Freeform, danielhowell - Freeform, danisnotonfire - Freeform, louisepentland, relationship, soulmate, sprinkleofglitter - Freeform, zoesugg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 09:05:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11711232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadrifice/pseuds/sadrifice
Summary: ~i can finally see you're as fucked up as me, so how do we win?~





	Sick of Losing Soulmates

~

_can you pinpoint_ _when you fell in love?_

 

_do you know the moment you knew someone was your soulmate?_

_was it in lingering touches, or lasting glances?_

_was it that impetuous venomous remarks that stung a little too much, or soft spoken kind words, that meant a whole lot more?_

_was it butterflies? was it moist palms? was it blushes and irregular heartbeats?_

_was it restless sleep, thinking about them, remembering significant moments?_

_was it a shared smile, or how the light always managed to hit them in the best possible way?_

_was it soft kisses, or the undeniable warmth of emotions that were blooming in your chest?_

_was it in thousands of fragments of moments or suddenly all at once?_

one day, you just knew.

~

_A hand._

Fingers intertwined with his, eyes glazing over all the scars, lines and freckles, knowing every indent and imperfection. Dan _has_ been holding it for years.

_Content._

The heat radiating, bleeding, out his hand was warming his very essence, putting his mind at ease.

Comforter and Lynx filled his senses. Heart elated, beating just as fast as the time they first met.

He could breathe.

Snores filling his ears, a sound so comforting to him, along with the regular thump of a heart beat beneath his ear. Murmurs and sighs of broken sleep, Dan stilled before settling for a moment not to disturb him further.

_Peace._

With eyes fluttering every few minutes, adoration and tenderness filled Dan's heart. Lips meet their laced hands; an action so conformable and comfortable that it was almost as second nature as the years passed.

_Love._

Blue eyes fluttering open, and meeting Dan's. His eyes casting down at their interlocked hands, smiling in fondness and contentment as always. Head on his chest, the rhythm of his heart beat in Dan's ear; something that filled him with unexplainable pleasure.

The heat from their intertwined bodies, sunlight streaming in from the drapes. It reminded him the picture of warmth.

Dan didn't know where he would be if Phil wasn't there. He was his the light in the world. His soul was intertwined with the man who laid before him.

Dan sighed, content. It all reminded him of home.

Phil was home.

~

"What's that one called?" Phil pointed up to the constellations that freckled the night sky.

It was rare to get a clear, cloud free night like one of these, especially in England, so whenever they had the chance the boys would scramble to their "balcony" ( They call it a balcony, but really is just the roof over their conservatory, that happened to branch out away from the rest of their house,) and stare at the stars for a while. there seemed to be  an aroma of peace that surrounded them.

"How the fuck would I know?I thought you would have learned at least something doing your months of course work, Mr.University," Dan teased, smiling, turning to Phil.

"Well, you must learn something being on the internet all day," Phil quipped back, mockingly.

Both knew the other wasn't serious, there was often light teasing and bantering digs. Dan thinks that some of their close friendship bled into the relationship aspect, but that was to be expected; Dan believed you should be best friends with your significant other.

Comfortable silence fell over them as they often do, both seemed to be in deep thought until Phil pulled Dan's attention out of his by cupping his hand over his cheek. a smile and soft eyes met Dan's.

"I love you."

"I know," Dan bit his lip, trying to suppress his smile, he seemed to be never tiring to hear it, he still even felt his face colouring. he leaned over,(which wasn't that far, as they were practically on top of one another,) and kissed Phil's cheek, "I love you too."

~

"Phil, stop dicking around and help me."

"I'm sure you'd like that, wouldn't you?"

Dan scowled, "One, that didn't make sense, two, ew, and three, get the fuck ready." Dan exasperated, as he checked the time, "They'll be here soon."

The subject of they, being their friends Louise, Zoe and PJ. They usually didn't have guests over, unless a birthday was upcoming or Christmas, and to say, Dan was a bit frazzled.

Phil fake gushed, "Awhh, is Danny being a housewife, and fussing about appearance?" Phil fake gasped, "What will the neighbours think?"

"I am technically one of your neighbours, and don't think for a second that this housewife won't hesitate to hit you with a chair," Dan said, jokingly warning him.

"Are you sure you would want to damage this beautiful face? The one that you so deeply fell head over heels for?" Phil blinked his eyelashes.

Dan shook his head, smiling. He hit Phil over the head with a stray tea towel, "shut up, and get ready."

* * *

 

The more he thought about the more Dan didn't quite know why he still kept his house; he practically lives with Phil albeit the few scatters of articles still residing in the house.

The last he remembers, he hasn't set foot in it since Christmas; and that was only to hide Phil's present from him.

Sure would be easier to sell it, but it was his first house away from his family's, it was actually his, something to call his own.

It also held fond memories, cherished moments, that he couldn't quite let go of. It was there he noticed Phil, the odd next door neighbour, who he couldn't get out of his mind.

~

The buzz of a party under Dan's skin was enough to get him to turn to alcohol, and a lot of it, to enhance it.

Dan had organised a party for Phil's 21st birthday. It was extremely hard to hide his plans, as Phil came over nearly everyday to hang out, and made it impossible to pry away from him, as much as Dan wanted to spend as much time as he could get with him.

There was a longing whenever he wasn't around. Dan, of course, read into it and found he was more than slightly infatuated with Phil, but decidedly brushed it off. He didn't have plans of telling Phil anytime soon, for risk of utter humiliation, chagrin and never being able to show his face publicly again. That was pain Dan wasn't near enough ready to deal with.

The party was bursting with giggles and dancing throughout the night, but of course, by the time 'Never Have I Ever,' and 'Truth or Dare' came into the mix, they were all but a little tipsy.

"Okay, okay, we'll play never have I ever," Zoe's, a best friend of Dan's since secondary school, rang out slightly bubbly, intoxicated, and hiccuping, "Let's get right to it, never have I ever gone to third base on the first date."

Dan watched as Louise, Chris, Anthony, and a couple others knocked back their glasses, a round of cheers was heard.

Each in their own took a turn from around the circle coming up with questions.

"Okay, easy one. Never have I ever liked someone in this group."

Practically everyone in the group drank.

Dan watched out of the corner of his eye, Phil, who flushed his shot back and seemed to be watching if he would. It was probably just the alcohol though, playing with his deluded mind, he doubted actually Phil gave a fuck.

Dan reluctantly drank his shot after Zoe gave him a pointed look, curse her for knowing him so well over the years.

"Never have I ever broken a law."

Dan had to drink for that one.  
There was an incident back in school, he'd rather not get into it, but long story short: he was caught trespassing, and ran up to the rooftop where police had to lift him and his friends down. His mother never got past it.

The drinks started flowing.

"Never have I ever had a near death experience."

"Never have I ever injured myself trying to impress someone."

"Never have I ever shoplifted."

"Oooh, i've got a good one. Never have i ever shagged anyone in this group."

Several people threw back their glasses back, along with Dan.

Dan begrudgingly thought back to the morning he woke up next to Phil, but did nothing about it and swept it aside from the risk of possible humiliation of rejection, and embarrassment.  
Glaring at the glass, as it had something to do with it he poured himself another shot.

"Juicy. I think that's a good transition into Truth or Dare, if you ask me," Zoe said, giddy, as the group came full circle back to her, "who wants to start?"

after no one stepped forward, Chris jokingly rolled his eyes, "I'll start then, you bunch of losers."

"Okay, Louise, Truth or Dare?"

"Dare."

"I dare you.." Chris looked thoughtful, "I dare you to kiss the prettiest person in the room."

Louise cooed, "awh, that's sweet." Louise looked around her eyes falling on Dan, "Come here, Danny-kins," Louise giggled.

Louise crawled over to Dan and pecked his cheek, laughing. A fond smile and a blush made it's way to Dan's face, he knew she was only joking but it still made him feel nice.

Chris feigning hurt, clutched his chest, "You don't think I'm pretty?"

Laughter died down, Louise turned to Zoe. "Okay, Chummy," Louise smiled, that smile that made Zoe's heart flutter, "your turn."

"Truth," Zoe was not going to embarrass herself tonight.

"Do you fancy anyone?"

Zoe laughed nervously, "Yes," she said, looking down to avoid the questioning gazes.

"Really? Who?" Louise looked shocked, and another emotion that was hard to pinpoint.

"That's..another truth."

Trying to get the attention from her she quickly turned.

"Dan," Zoe smirked wickedly, an evil idea forming in her head, "truth or dare?"

Dare.

Dan eyed Zoe, silently screaming at her to not go too hard on him. Zoe seemed to have different plans, with a twinkle in her eye and an eyebrow raised.

"I dare you to... kiss Phil," Zoe winked, knowingly, and smirked. 

Dan cursed under his breath, regret coursed through him. He really should've never told her about his slight crush on Phil.

A chorus of wolf whistles were heard around the circle as a people started to join and vere in to look over the game, most of the attention of the party was on them.

"Uh," Dan's face was significantly darkening, he quizzically looked at Phil, silently begging for him to refuse, so he could get back to pining from a distance and no one would know, and then later wrath at Zoe for suggestions.  
But Phil just unhelpfully shrugged his shoulders, with an expression that was hard to read.

"C'mon, Dan, it's easy, like this," Chris pulled PJ unknowingly into a quick smack on the lips before retreating, laughing, leaving PJ looking quite flustered. The whole venue practically shook with cheers and laughter.

Dan was rightly skeptical, what if Phil didn't like him back? He felt like a flustered school girl. He was almost positive if they went through with it, his emotions would betray him, and it would show all over his face how much he likes Phil. It would be utterly degrading to be embarrassed in front of all of his friends and Phil's family, by being rejected.

"Listen Phil, I don't think this is a good idea," Dan tried to say as quietly as possible, to avoid the whole party erupting again.

Phil groaned, and swiftly grabbed Dan's cheeks and pulled him against himself, crashing their lips together.

Dan's breath hitched, and eyes widened as he could feel Phil's lips move against his. Phil's hands at his waist.

Instinct took over and he responded, his eyes fluttering shut and his hands moved to grasp Phil's shoulders.

He felt heat fill his veins, traveling up and down his arms as it finally reached his chest, a warm glow cumulating and spreading all over his body. It started a fire in his chest he doubt would ever burn out. 

His heart was slamming against his chest as fast as it probably ever would, he could hear the thumping of it in his ears, it took over the gush and loudness of the party.

Soft lips were moving in just the right rhythm, chaste, and slowness to make Dan feel whole, to make him feel alive. 

When breath ran short, Phil pulled away and pressed their foreheads together, eyes looking into each other's.

"Did you know that I like you?" Phil said, smiling, breathless, and had a slight blush creeping up his cheeks.

Dan let out a breathless laugh in relief, "I like you too."

There was suddenly an uproar of screams and cheers, and Dan was hurled back into the party. Laughing, and slightly cringing, he flushed.

"Finally!" Zoe yelled, grinning.

Dan pursed his lips, trying to hide the huge smile that was threatening to break out. Staring into Phil's blue eyes, emotion seeping through them.

"The best gift I've ever been given for my birthday was you."

"Oh, fuck off," Dan amused at his cheesiness, and pulled Phil back in.

Cheers erupting again, and the game forgotten.

~

Dan knew this was months coming.

He just didn't know when, or how he would just break his soulmate's heart, he just knew it was going to happen soon.

Dan knew Phil was his soulmate; he knew they would find their way back to each other.

But that didn't make it less easier.

The fact was Dan relied too much on Phil. He felt like he needed to learn to be on his own for once in his life.

"We need to _talk_."

Dan held out for Phil's hand, comfort washing over him as he took it, and led them into their sitting room. Sitting them down, Dan braced himself for the tears, his own tears.

Dan squeezed Phil's soft warm hand, drinking in the fact that it would probably be the last time he'd be able to have him like this.

Dan never wanted to do this, Phil was all he ever wanted. But he had to find himself, and it was a long, long time coming. He needed to become his own person. Not just one half of "Dan and Phil."

Dan let out a shaky breath as he felt his world crack around him, "I think we should take a break."

Phil's eyes searched his face, confusion etched into his features, "w-what?"

Dan closed his eyes, he didn't want to see Phil's reaction, "I think we should break up."

"Why!?" Phil was slightly panicking, becoming slightly hysterical, as his eyes began to water at the thought. He couldn't lose Dan, Dan was his best friend, the love of his life.

"I need to be on my own, for now."

"Dan, I love you, don't you love me anymore?" Tears slipped down Phil's face as his shoulders slightly shook, as he willed himself not to break down.

"I've never loved anyone the way I love you. But i've got to figure myself out for my own sake. How can I expect you to love me for me, if I don't even know who that is yet?" Dan's eyes welled, and throat was blocked, ceasing his own sob from escaping. He bit down on the inside of his cheek, focusing on the pain, rather than the ache in his chest.

"I can help you with that, just Dan, please." Desperation seeped into Phil's voice, willing, begging, Dan not to let them go.

"No," Dan's tears fell freely; lithium numbness struck his veins. he closed his eyes again, "no, you can't."

~

It was getting kind of creepy how much of Dan's time was spent looking out his window at him.

Sure, a new neighbour coming in would be a justifiable excuse to stare out his window at the house but two months in, just to find out more about the adorable mannerisms that neighbour possesses, was nearly stalking. 

Of course Dan knew it was fucking weird, he wasn't crazy.. well, he was the one currently staring at someone out of his bedroom window.

Dan had spent a couple of weeks plucking up the courage to talk to his neighbour, who seemed to like similar things to Dan, but no avail. The only thing was, he made Dan nervous with his looks of too good for words, and grace he seemed to wear in everything he did.

Dan was simply bored. He had no job to occupy his time, and spent all his day doing completely nothing. Therefore, when an interesting neighbour moved in next door, he caught his attention, it was almost captivating to watch him do mundane tasks.

While he was watching the boy next door, the man's head turn up and he caught his gaze. His neighbour smiled at him, and waved at Dan.

Dan eyes widened, he realised that Dan was staring at him. Shame at being caught coursed, as his heart sped up. Dan could properly see his eyes for the first time and they were a stunning blue, that really contrasted his hair. Dan couldn't help but ogle slightly.

After he finally broke his almost trance at his neighbour, who Dan thought would probably move away the second he could now, Dan dropped down onto the floor, trying to hide but banging his head on the window sill in process, wincing as he held his throbbing head.

Oh god, he could never show his face again.

-

Dan really avoided going out, for fear of seeing the neighbour in question, and having to explain why he was being the most creepiest man alive, before the amount of letters started to pile, and the mailman started knocking on his door looking rather annoyed, demanding he empty his letterbox or he wouldn't deliver to his home anymore, he was forced to collect it.

All he was going to do was quickly retrieve his mail, run back inside and go back to wallowing in self pity and shame for the rest of his life, but it seemed "fate", or whatever, had something else in mind.

"Hey, I don't believe I ever introduced myself, Phil. Phil Lester. I live next door to you," his neighbour, Phil, smiled, and extended his hand.

Dan was frozen on the spot as he forgot all about his mail and looked over to his side to see the neighbour.

"h-hey...uh, Dan," he finally managed to stutter out, turning around and taking the outstretched hand, "Howell."

Dan felt cliche volts of electricity surge through his finger tips as they wrapped around his neighbour's, Phil's, hand, but shook it off.

"I moved here a couple months back, I'm glad to finally meeting you," Phil smiled, friendly, "and finally not seeing you through a window," he chuckled.

Dan squeaked and withdrew his hand, full of and embarrassment.

"It's alright, I found it quite amusing." Phil laughed, remembering, "is your head okay?"

Dan's hand instinctively touched where he had banged it, and he nervously laughed, "yeah."

"Well that's your own fault, being honest. Don't stare into my window again if you're not going to be friendly and hide, at least."

Dan didn't know how easy Phil was finding this. He was even making jokes and teasing him as if they were best mates.

"How do you not know I'm not apart of the FBI, sent on a mission to spy on you and capture you for illegally downloading music?" Dan dared to joke back, after clarifying that Phil was only teasing him, and didn't find him to be a complete freak.

"Well, I wouldn't mind you putting me in handcuffs."

Dan gaped at the obvious flirting, and the complete turn of the conversation, blushing a deep red.

Phil burst into giggles, signifying that it was a joke, and laughing at Dan's reaction, "I'm sorry, I had to!"

Phil was a natural flirt, he found it hilarious to flirt with everyone to get a reaction out of them. His friends at his old town and university found it extremely annoying, especially when they were trying to study, and all Phil did was distract them by saying some really outrageous shit.

Dan felt his cheeks brighten even further.

After Phil's laughs died down and he caught his breath, he smiled, "But you do look pretty with a blush."

~

"Please, Dan? It will be so much fun," Phil whined.

Phil wanted to have a cliche carnival date where they would win shit for each other, and go on all the rides holding hands, stuff like that, which was a bit too sappy for Dan's liking, but if it made Phil happy, he'd, although complaining the whole time, do it.

"Phil, you are a complete child," Dan said, rolling his eyes fondly, giving in as he always did. 

Phil laughed and kissed Dan's cheek, then dragged their intertwined hands towards the ferris wheel that was centred in the middle of the whole fair.

As they waited in line, Dan stared at Phil as he often did. He could see the buzz of excitement in his delicate features, the beauty of his intense eyes brightening, lightening up from happiness. The freckles that sprinkled his cheeks, that you could only see from close up.

They both clambered onto the ride, and it was an enjoyable ascend, although Phil kept lightly hitting Dan as he would rock the seat back and forth.

When Phil screamed out of delight when they were at the top, eyes squeezed shut, hand clasped in Dan's, smiling bright, Dan says he saw his essence glow.

He didn't know exactly how it happened, just that one moment Dan knew he was in love.

~

Life after being with Phil for so long, was more difficult beyond than he'd imagined.

He was used to having a support system, a hand to hold and a warm essence around him. Not only did he feel extremely alone, he felt empty, but he didn't mind that. He didn't want to feel the pain of emotions of heartbreak that wracked through him anymore.

Regret nipped at Dan occasionally; only on really bad days. Those were the days that he had to strain from running next door, and beg him to take him back. He knew it was for the greater good, but that didn't help the longing and the ache that seemed to fill his whole body.

Dan spent a lot of his time inside, scared to see him again. Dan didn't want a repeat of sprinting back inside to cry again after seeing him for the first time since they separated, with puffy eyes and a broken smile. It hurt Dan to see that he had been the cause of it.

Often nights were spent staring at the ceiling, instead of the stars with him. crying, instead of talking to the love of his life. ice in his veins and fire in his chest, his heart ablaze and aching, instead of feeling comfort, and loved.

* * *

 

Dan healed after a while, admittedly a long while, but it didn't hurt to say Phil's name anymore, nor did he wake up crying, after reliving memories in his dreams.

He no longer felt like he was missing apart of his soul anymore.

He went out more, no longer afraid of seeing Phil. He met with his friends, his family. He was able to live life freely again. He could even bare to go to some of the places he went once with Phil, and not feel the pang of heartache the entire time.

One time when he was leaving to go shopping with Zoe, he saw Phil in his garden.

Phil smiled at him.

For once in a long time, Dan was able to smile back.

Maybe, they would be okay.

~

365 days. Their first anniversary.

The date wasn't on Phil's birthday, hence last years party's events, since they took a little while to get their shit together, but they finally made it to their first proper milestone.

Of course they had a party to celebrate, family and friends welcomed to congratulate the pair. Warm smiles and fond eyes between the boys all evening.

Although it wore them out, it was perfect.

As they were lying in their bed, facing each other, Dan signed, and complete adoration filled him.

Dan decided he would be the first one to say it.

Dan softly smiled, lifting his fingers to brush Phil's cheek, "I love you," he said quietly.

"you do?"

"yeah."

Phil's soft smile could only hold so much emotion, "I love you, too.""

~

Dan sat in Phil's living room, for what would be the last time.

Dan was moving.

He could never expect himself to fully get over Phil if he saw him everyday. Wether it was through a window with tiny smiles shared, crossing paths at the shops, or meeting for tea, it was too hard. Every time he laid eyes on Phil he was hurled back into it and falling all over again.

He knew he was doing what was best.

"I'm really going to miss you," Phil said quietly, as they were sitting on his couch in silence not knowing what to say, other than what he was feeling.

"I'll miss you more than you'll ever know," the truth tumbling out before he could stop it.

The silence returned, but Dan didn't mind. He was drinking in the memories of the place, taking mental pictures.

Phil looked lost in thought before he turned fully to Dan.

"You're still as beautiful as the day we met," Phil smiled, sadly. There was a hint of pain in his voice, that had managed to get through.He felt like he had to get this out there before it was too late, before Dan was gone, probably, forever.

Dan bit his bottom lip and shook his head, trying to shake the memories of 18 years old, moving out of his family home wanting freedom and the harsh reality of loneliness that Phil had rid of. The moments that filled the deep dark glow inside him, made him wholly again, that dulled any negative emotions, when he had Phil as more than a boyfriend, but a soulmate.

They had both changed so much since then.

_Time and hearts will wear us thin._

They weren't the same people they were two years ago; when they were in love.

Looking down, he would do anything to grab Phil, pull him against his lips and be with him again, but he knew it had to be this way. This way, they both wouldn't burn. It would hurt less in the long term.

"Remember how we used to sit up late and look up at the stars, up there?" a ghost of a smile played Phil's lips, "we'd sit for absolute hours, talking about literally nothing, but it was still my favourite thing I ever got to do."

Dan softened even more, remembering the time he was so fortunate enough to spend with Phil, to call him his. His guard was slowly breaking.

"Although the stars were beautiful, nothing could compare to you. The way you gazed up at the stars, your eyes reflected, sparkled. You were always my most favourite view."

Dan smiled, it tasted bittersweet. He felt his eyes glaze, even after all this time, "yeah..."

There was a pause, a sharp intake of breath,"I still love you," his voice faltering, and laced with emotional pain.

Dan's eyes brimmed with tears, "I know," he looked down and allowed them to fall. Dan squeezed his eyes shut and pursed his lips trying to minimize the rivulet, "I love you, too."

_But they both knew they weren't meant to be together._

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading x


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